To end things with someone is to just not talk to them ever? I mean, is there any other explanation for the long long very long hiatus that's been taken? 

I don't understand. I really don't. What the fuck did I do? What the fuck are we doing? I wish he would just contact me so I can tell him off. 

"Don't force yourself. We all know you don't care so you can stop pretending now. [go fuck yourself]"

Not gonna lie, this hurts. Pretty bad. 

 To be able to be able to SCREAM at the current moment. 

Seriously. This is so incredibly frustrating. 

The not talking for days at a time, & then when we do, it's for like, 4 minutes before he just kinda stops. So I talked to him today (for more than 4 minutes) & we established a few things.

1) he likes talking to me.
2) he knows we haven't been talking as much.
3) he's taken the responsibility for it.
4) he doesn't know what to do or what he wants.

Greeeaaaat. Back to square one. What I really want to say is: "It's been four months. How the fuck have you not figured out what you want? You disappeared for a week, then came back, saying that you were back to normal and wanted to fix things. That didn't happen. I told you where I stand & how this is affecting me, and really, I don't think you care. If you're still scared, get the fuck over it or end it. I've done more than enough to prove I'm not in this to hurt you, but I can't take you hurting me. It's not fair. So figure it out or fuck off."

~Fin~

  I try sometimes. 

I feel like...I don't even know sometimes. It's frustrating, Things aren't changing and if they are, it's not for the better. I mean, I had to send a goddamn text message to just get my point across because I never see him. It's ridiculous. 

"I still think its super lame to do this over text but its not like i ever have the chance to tell you face to face so it doesn't matter anyway. I'll just be straight to the point about this. I can't deal with this for much longer. I'm tired of waiting. that's all i seem to do with you. wait for you to speak to me when you ignore me. Wait for you to remember me when you forget me. Wait for you to talk to me because you close yorusefl off to me. I can overlook certain things but when they happen over and over again it gets old. WHere is the 'gentleman who isn't afrraid to talke girls out" or the guy who "wanted to make things right between "us" (when there was never an us)" or the guy who said things would change after i told you i felt like nothing more than a cheap whore? In you quest to not get hurt, you're ending up hurting me more than i can stand and whats more is you never show that you care. I'm not just going to be here when it's convenient for you. I just can't keep doing this if this is the way things are going to be."

That was my very long, 7 text message to him. And still, nothings resolved. He told me he was sorry, had a lot on him mind, didn't want to cause drama, not to worry about him & i was a great girl, didn't know what he was thinking, didn't know what he wanted...etc etc.

But nothing even remotely concrete. It doesn't even seem like he's taking any of it seriously. I haven't talked to him in 2+ days. God fucking damn it. 

-Tired
-Aggravated
-Annoyed
-Weak

There is so much to be said. And I can't fucking say it. Not (entirely) because I don't have the nerve to, but maybe because this needs to be done face to face, and oh yeah, I never fucking see him anymore.

On that note, we also have started talking to each other SIGNIFICANTLY less and less. WTF.

Alright. Wanna know what I'm thinking?

1) it's been 3 goddamn months. And I'm still not 100% convinced that he actually likes me. Does he even know? Seriously, I just want to know his fucking intentions. Because he's really not doing a good job presenting them

2) Okay, so at the beginning of all this, his fear of being hurt was like, completely legit. But my god, have i not done enough to prove that I'm not about to go ripping his poor little heart out (at least, not in the way he's thinking).

3) Can i just ask why the hell we've never been out anywhere?! My god, I'm more than willing to pay for my share. I'm just tired of feeling like a cheap whore because all we ever do is drive around and sit in some deserted parking lot.

4) Seriously, don't talk to me if you have no intention of actually holding a fucking conversation. That includes texting me at 12:45 at night, only to fall asleep 10 minutes later (lame).

Yeah. Basically. Sigh.

I hate when plans are fudged up and have to be canceled. I hate when people just randomly stop texting me. I hate being this confused.

And trust me, I'm freaking confused. Obviously I like him. A lot. I mean, I only think about him about 50% of my waking existence. Granted, I'm usually hoping he'll text me or respond to mine, but hell.

3.	smitten
	adjective: describes the feeling one receives whenever they think about or are with someone who makes them ridiculously happy. The experience of satisfaction with someone you're falling in love with. Often used in the same sentence with the word kitten.

ARRRRGH.

seriously. I don't understand much of anything anymore.

Not this fucking dance we're doing, not myself, not calculus...but i digress.

At night, my mind always goes into super super worry mood, and i make a plan to talk to him about "wtf are we doing"

Then when i talk to him, it doesn't matter, cuz i'm like, super happy.

WHAT THE HELL?!?

Why can't things be simple?

wearing me out. okay one thing to clarify is that i'm typing this on my cell phone so forgive any mistakes.

okay so basically...again...i have no idea of what the fuck is going on. doubt doubt doubt uncertainty uncertainty dammit.

i have no idea what to think. i mean, he wants everyine to talk to him...except me. wtf?! "i'm a mess lately" oreally? so you ignore me? what did i do?

so i'm worried. should i be? maybe? probably. i'm such an idiot. fuck my life.

here's to you, jackass

The current situation is with one big astounding WTF.

I do not understand. Yesterday was terrible. I had a panic attack (oh great here they come). I kept shaking all day after that. I was like "hmm...it would be really nice if I got to see him tonight" and whatever. Well I was like "that's wicked selfish to ask...not gonna"
But he did show up. around 9:45 but regardless, he showed up. Things were...they were good.

I went to bed a lot happier.

And I was happy today too. Until my friend told me he was texting the girl who's phone he had found and returned (she didn't know who he was either). THAT I can live with. But then, apparently, he was telling her shit like "oh you're cute..." and shit...well first of all, I asked to see if I could get the conversation, so as to not jump right away.

And I know we're not a couple, but COME ON. It's not that hard to understand why I'd be upset. Is it?

Fuck. I need those texts.

His facebook status is about me?

I'm not fer certain, but it says "missing her alot. you know who you are"

&& it's like, i wanna believe that that's about me...but I can never be too sure, ya know? I dunno if it's humility or just not enough self-esteem, but I never believe the good things people say about me.

I can say that I hope it's about me...cuz that would be really really sweet.

falling into place.

& by that I mean they're starting to become less confusing. not necessarily less complicated; no, they seem to be getting more and more complicated.
but that's not always a bad thing. the things that matter are, well, the things that matter.

I'm not going to lie though. I mean, if what seems like the inevitable happens, it's going to be tough. I mean, combating layers and layers of rumors, set in rumors that don't seem to want to die (even though they're years old) is going to be an uphill battle. And I'll admit that I'm not sure I really want to do that. But I'll know when the time comes. At the current moment, knowing that everything isn't one big lie (well, i can't say that with 100% confidence but close enough) is still better than never at all.
I'm terrified. I really am. But it's hard to be scared when it feels like you're doing something right; something that's not going to be a mistake. I've felt that way before; I've felt like I knew my place in the world and that i was safe and that it was never going to end. But it did, but no matter how painful it was, i don't regret one minute of it, because no matter how many lies there were, i was truly happy. I can't regret that.
And i do not think I'll regret this. I'm going into this a lot more guarded than before, because hey, yes I am a little jaded. but that doesn't mean I've closed my mind. I'm this far aren't I? I actually gave it a chance didn't I? Now let's see how all this plays through.

stood up.

Seriously. Who the fuck does that? Agrees to go to lunch with you...then drops off the face of the earth. Well then.

Fuck you too.

a weirdo, if a certain group of girls are to be believed.

Seriously though, I am so fucking sick of rumors it's not even funny. What makes it worse is that when you ask them "why do you say that?" they give you bullshit answers like "uhh...that's what my friend told me" or "i just know" or "i don't know..." if you're going to spread rumors, at least have the courtesy of checking if they're true (or at least come up with a reason to spread them dumbshits).
The most recent? Well I guess it all started when I was still uncertain about this guy. And I asked one of my oldest friends if he knew anything about him. Short story short, he told me to stay away from him, he was a player, blah blah. Whatever. Well I'm guessing he told his girlfriend (who really, I'm not too fond of) and while at her birthday party, she told her sister and her sister's best friend (who is his most recent ex) that someone (me) liked him. Well according to her (the ex):

"****** said some1 liked u and ****** **** and i laughed"
"Thought it was funny ew u talk to those weiqd kids"
"Well apparenty u talk to a kid that was at the party and their all creaps"

Okay, for those of you who cannot decipher that (which I cannot blame you), the astericks are in place of the names. But she's saying that her, her best friend, and her best friend's sister laughed when her best friend's sister told them someone (me) liked him. Why? Well because I'm a weird kid. And I wasn't at the friggin' party, but I'm also a creep.

Awesome.

May I just say, the sister who told them is in my grade, and her sister and his ex are 10th graders.

10th graders. I eat 10th graders for fucking brunch.

Ah well. I really want to fight this but it's pointless drama. Very very pointless drama.

it's been a long time, hasn't it? Shit, my apologies.

Umm...lotsa school work & just plain work and sickness & hanging out with a certain boy. boy? he's older so i can't really call him a boy. guy? yessss. let's go with that. anywho...

i have no idea what i'm doing anymore.

fer real. i think i might actually like him.

But i have no idea what we're doing. what we are. i mean, we're friends but at the same time, it's more than that & i don't wanna say it's complicated because my god how complicated can it be, but!!!

&& i just wanna say something...& i know it's not gonna matter because no one who i am addressing this towards will ever read it, but i still feel the need to say it:
You need to grow up. What did you expect when you told him about your boyfriend, who I am quite sure was indeed an asshole. Did you want him to lie to you? & I'm sure you went & told all your little lacky friends about it, & probably your boyfriend too. & I wouldn't be shocked if you exaggerated it. & of course, once he actually did dump your stupid ass or cheat on you with your best friend, you told that to your friends too. & I'm positive they all thought it was creepy how he knew about it, but my god, it's COMMON SENSE. You've effectively trashed a reputation that may be beyond repair. Good job you tactless whore.

Have yet to learn.

I'm pretty sure this "maybe" like has actually turned into a "like."

FML. I really don't ever learn do I? 

It's a curious thing. I thought I was comfortable around the ex...but this takes the cake. I mean, I can talk to him over the phone, and even video chat. That's never ever happened before in the entirety of my existence.

Silly fucking crushes.

Liking boys who are detrimental to my sanity.

Seriously.

I should KNOW better, especially after recent events. WHY DO I NOT EVER LEARN??!

I mean, I know all the red flags, yet I choose to ignore them. Why? Why am I so goddamn naive?! Is it the words, the hollow words? Is it the attention? 

I'm pretty sure it's neither of the above, because I've experienced them in other situations and never fallen for the cheap trickery.

And how am I so sure it's trickery. <------------ that's exactly the mentality that gets me in trouble. I hope for the best, always. D:

A sign somewhere on me that says EASY? 

Seriously. I have to. I mean, what else would make a guy, one whom I've never met before, start talking to me, then telling me he likes me ? Then doesn't say anything for a few days, then texts me saying he's forgotten who it was. Oh, and about 10 minutes later tells me he'd like to go out with me. WHO DOES THAT??! It's so obviously a ploy to play me...I just don't understand why. Do I look like I open my legs for everyone? Is that it?

And why in the HELL am I so gullible??! I fell for it once. Saying, "oh no, that's way to much effort to be putting into something just for the hope of sex." Well, lesson learned, it's not. Though I gotta say, expensive hobby. Whatever. I just pray to god I don't fall for it again. Even if he DOES have VERY pretty eyes.
 

arrrrrggghh

Tired.

Ugh long long day at work. Schoolwork. Not fun. Considering I don't have the shit I need to do it...God it's almost one in the morning...D:

Other than that, there's really not much else to say. The most random people show up in my dream. There's one or two that show up in EVERY SINGLE ONE. I wake up, literally thinking "Okay, where/who was s/he in THIS dream? Oh, ok. I remember now." oiiiiiiiiii

I mean, I guess I don't mind it. but COME ON. Maybe I do mind it. Because maybe I don't want them in my dreams, yanno?

So...very...sleepy...

COOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know you're jealous. Lol. Snickerdoodles and peanut butter graham cookies with M&Ms. I can totally make better snickerdoodles than Chelsea. :P

OOH.

I said things I'll probably go to hell for
We both felt really young
But anyway that was a long time ago,
so see here, see here,
doesn't mean I can't wish her the best,

Hooray for random song lyrics! I really like that...Kind of Like Spitting is the artist.

But anywho. I think I'm about to become a lot less...whiny? But at the same time...I'LL BE SO BORING. hahahah. I guess I can still talk about other shit...like how certain people at work smell really good.  <------I'm fucking creepy.

Oh I've joined NaNoWriMo. I have the novel idea in my head. NOW IF I COULD ONLY FUCKING WRITE IT. Maybe if I didn't procrastinate so damn much I could find time to write. I miss it.

I'm going to go try to convince myself to do my project.